The past few days I have been struggling with my emotions. Struggling with how I should be feeling compared to how I am feeling. I feel like I should be more loving, more affectionate, more present and aware of every breath and move my children make. Yet I am just as frustrated, annoyed, and cranky with them as I was before the fateful tragedy happened.
I find myself getting frustrated with my children’s choice (like normal) and then a split second later I am thankful that I can be frustrated with them and their poor choice.
Struggling with the emotions of wanting to hide my babies and live in a secluded commune.
Struggling with the emotion of sending my oldest to son to school this week.
Struggling with the emotions to articulate that I am fine… or I am not fine.
I feel very much conflicted, just like I did when 9/11 happened. My world is rocked. I do not feel safe. Forever altered. Forever extra cautious. Forever changed. I am still cautious and ever watchful each time I get on an airplane. I am sure the same will be each time I walk on a school campus, or anywhere for that matter.
My son is in 1st grade. That could have been my son. Thank God he is safe.
I am holding steady to these verses to help me remember that He is still in control.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
I am trusting in the Lord to keep my family and those I love safe. Even though I am struggling with my emotions as I deal with this tragedy, I am forever thankful that my child is safe. Even when I get frustrated with my children, I can hug and love on them. I can tell them I love them. I can kiss their sweaty (stinky) heads. I can hold their hand in mine. Trusting and not living my life in fear.
Steph @fitmomtraining says
Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs!
Kareen says
Thank you for this post! I definitely get overwhelmed by emotion and like you, I turn to God and the His promises.
Janice - Fitness Cheerleader says
This particular tragedy has hit me harder than any other. Perhaps because, like you, my children are the same age – those could very well have been MY daughters, or YOUR son. This could have happened anywhere. No amount of gun laws, or school security could have prevented this from happening IMHO, and THAT is what’s so scary about it. I’ve cried every morning this week dropping them off – I just want to hold them close and cuddle with them all.day.long.
Jenn @therebelchick says
Honestly, I tend to not dwell on things that are out of my control. It makes life a lot easier.
Carrie Symes says
I feel the same as you do after this awful thing. This has particularly hit me very harder than all the other trageties that have happened in the past. I’ve cried just about every day over what has happened, but God has his reasons for this and maybe affecting all of us like it has was his plan to bring us all together to Him….
Holly from 300 Pounds Down says
I totally relate to this. And I’m glad you posted those verses. I must cling to them too!! It is tempting to squirrel your babies away and never let them see the light of day. I gues it’s normal for us to feel this way in light of such a horrible tragedy. I just can’t wait until that day spoken of where there will be ‘no more sadness and mo more tears’!